I hate Thursdays.....

Why must my worst memories always happen on Thursdays!!!!??!?!?!

Last night we had a terrible fight, the second worst in 2 months. He suggested to order dinner and treat his parents to a meal at their flat. And he told me to call his mom to fix the date. I was still working at that time, and seriously trying to rush through my jobs so as to be in time to pick him up on my way home. But nonetheless, I agreed to call. Honestly speaking, I was really busy, I had nearly forgotten to call because my mind was really on something else. When I called, I asked her if she can go back for dinner and so on....once she said she is fine we hung up. Then I quickly finished up what I was doing and rush off to hail a cab.

I picked it him up and we headed home. He asked about our dinner and so I said I called his mom and we are a go for it. Then he asked if his dad was informed. Honestly speaking, this is the first time I tried to organize a dinner with his parents, I really did not know I had to inform both party separately (it wasn't so with my family). So I told him I did not, and do I need to do it now. He said it was Ok, anyway it was too late and he think his mom will be informing his dad about it. So we dropped the issue.

When nearing dinner, he suddenly received a call from his dad. After putting down the phone, he angrily threw his phone onto his desk. I was taken aback. When I asked him what happened, he didn't reply me but just called his mom to tell her that Dad called him and scolded him for not telling him earlier about our dinner arrangement. He said this was to be his treat to them, yet Dad can scold him about it. After hanging up, he turned to me and started scolding me. Asked me why I did not call his dad, it is such common sense when organising a dinner. Why I did not do a good job. Why I did not tell his mom to inform his dad. I apologized sincerely as I really did not know their family culture is such. But after apologizing, his scoldings won't stop. He kept repeating why I did not call Dad. I blew up. And I seriously warned him to watch his words, cos I did told him about it on the cab and he had said he didn't think calling Dad then was necessary. If so, why only start blaming me now when things had worsened? We could have done something just now in the cab to salvage the situation if he thinks that something was amissed. If he chose (and it was his choice) that nothing need to be done then, he shouldn't start blaming everything on me now.

Once I snapped, he got more angry and started ordering me and ballowing at me. He wanted me to answer his questions immediately, say sorry whenever needed, look at him, give him a good attitude, talk in a good tone.....etc....

Obviously, I couldn't. I was fuming mad. Who in this state of mind is able to 'give a good attitude' and 'apolgoize sincerely' without even raising an eyebrow? I didn't even feel like looking at his stuck-up, attitude face. He saw me not looking at him but at my thinkpad, so he pushed my thinkpad purposely. This thinkpad is what I use for work. He is so childish as to 'play' with it. He even threatened to throw it out of the window if I look at it again. I snapped even further. I just can't stand this kind of senseless behaviour. Come on, this is plainly acting like a child who doesn't know what's the seriousness of spoiling a work station, who for his own satisfaction, disregards all other issues and throws his tantrum around spoiling things! It's really super low-class and pea-brain!

I scolded him really loud. He then picked up the wine bottle that we used to hold drinking water and gested to throw at me or smashed it with the table. I was really angry. In my family where I grew up, nobody ever ever do this kinda things. It is only supposed to appear in tv serials and movies. I stomped off to the room. He followed, kicking the door with his foot, and banging it to order me to open. I opened, he started shouting into my face, and pushed me real hard onto the bed. I fell onto the bed and then off it as the impact was too big! He didn't seem to be concerned, just kept ordering me to behave and answer his questions to his liking. He shouted and waved the wine bottle, half intending to smashed the bottle into my head. I had to obey, although fuming inside. I need to save myself. I had no choice. I married a mad man!!!!!

He didn't even allow me to cry!!!!

Although after that, he took the initiative to come into the room and apologize, it's already too late. I don't feel that he had changed for the better (after the Thursday 1 & 1/2 months back, where we quarrelled and he slammed me to the ground and hurt my head). He admited that it was his fault and he shouldn't have shouted, but he still pushed the blame on me that I should not react to his shoutings. When one apologize but followed by further blamings, I seriously think we are getting no where. He was not sorry at all. He said I reacted to his shoutings, and thus he reacted by even more violent behaviour cos he couldn't stand it. And so he believed that I was mostly at fault for the situation to worsen. He actually thinks that he has the right to react to my reactions, but if I reacted to his, I'm not right. If his start-off point is such, I really don't think he was sorry at all. No use talking to someone who on one hand keep saying sorry cos he started a row. But on the other hand, blames you for getting angry over his shoutings, and as a matter of fact, for all other matters as well. Subconsciously, I think he still feels that whatever happened, I am still at fault more than he is. We are just jogging on the spot after the hour's chat.

We are going in circles!!!! A never ending circle!!!!

He is a tyrant....

Sigh, on and off...it's always happening. Our little squabbles just can't seem to end. Luckily, the scale has diminished and the duration is shorten. But, it still affects my mood...

Last night, we went out of our neighbourhood for dinner. I came across the Mac's ad about their extended opening hours. Cos we were only walking pass and at a rushing pace, I read aloud the time (which was the most obvious numbers on the ad) the outlet will close. The ad looks exactly like what my neighbourhood Mac's have, just that the timing is different. After reading it out aloud, I tried to compare it to my neighbourhood's outlet. And as we walked, I compared the timing and concluded that my neighbourhood's outlet is better....all this moment, I was thinking aloud. Cos of the pace that we were walking, I thought that reading out the timing to myself, registering it in my brain and thus I can do some comparison, while not slowing down the pace, is alright.

And...trouble strike! While talking to myself, I of course, will cut down a lot of information that I do not need at that time. And if he is not vigilant enough, he will not know what I was talking about. And true enough, he did not. And there and then, he started to lecture me that I did not know how to describe things properly. That I always tell only half of the story such that he can't understand me. Before I can explain things (anyway, he wouldn't let me explain, any explanation that I had is called an excuse and a rebuttal and a complete show of bad attitude), he had already blow into a rage.

I was so irritated. The purpose of reading out loud is to let me register it in my head for comparison purposes. The target audience is myself. After I do out my comparison and has an answer, I can just retell the story to him in a much more understandable manner. But he wouldn't hear any of it, he just insist that I did not know how to describe. Then after that blame me for thinking aloud, and that thinking aloud are things that only idiots will do, and those smarties who say whatever they think of can make the statement understandable and pricky at the same time, not like me, who say things whenever I want but nobody understands. Sir, I was talking to myself, I was not focusing at anybody to understand me. My brain works faster than my mouth, I leave out unnecessary information cos I totally understand what I am thinking about. If my target audience is you, I'll speak in a way that you'll understand. If my target audience is myself, I'll speak in a way that is comfortable for me.

For just this stupid reason, he can blow up and nag and nag non-stop. OK, it stopped after less than 10 mins, which is indeed a blessing. But why should I treasure lousy moments that aren't supposed to happen in the first place. Should I be glad that the duration of this fight is short? This is such a tragedy. It just shows that my baseline is we will always have fights originating from trivial subjects, and it's a bonus if it last for a short duration.

When can he see the light....

We finally consummate our marriage....

This is so exciting! We bought our first ever most brilliant buy after a century. The lubricant works like magic. And finally we can have normal sex!

Some things that I notice :

1) There isn't blood. Means my hymen has already been broken. I think my assumptions for the last few years are right. Whenever I see blood after we unsuccessfully had sex, my hymen is broken down bit by bit. That's why when he said he had penetrated me last night, I didn't feel excruciating pain like described in the romance novels when the hymen is first broken.
2) I can't really feel his penetration. I thought it was just like the past few years of trying - he just went in a bit. But after that, when I asked him, he said he almost fully penetrated. Hmm....so sex isn't that painful after all. It must be the abrasion before then, that caused so much pain because I dried up immediately when he enter.
3) I do not feel aroused. Maybe the stories are true. Gals rarely ever cum while having sex.

But anyway, it was a good start to our sex life!

He said we had frequent quarrels which may indirectly be a result of not being able to consummate. Now that we can....let's see if the rest will get better!

He is bull shit.....

He is super unreasonable. But thinks that he is the logic, the way, the only way!!!!!

He was asking me if we need to spend one more day in Oz due to the date change. I miscalculated and thought it's just another afternoon more. So I said 'Actually, it's just another afternoon more.' But after rationalising. I continued without pausing from the last sentence. 'We reach there in the afternoon, then....oh yeah....then we'll have to stay overnight, means we have to stay one more night right.'

And that's it! He started blowing his top. Say I did not answer his question at the very first instinct. It's either a 'yes' or a 'no' to his question. So, implicitely, he means I can't rationalize, can't think aloud, can't answer anything other than 'yes' or 'no' whenever he asked a question. Great, what an autocratic chauvanistic pig! What do you think you are? Some fucking royalty? That I always have to be on my toes and listen to your every whimp and whimper and answer your question the first instant?

When I asked you a question, and you didn't answer me directly, you said that you like to create suspension, you are getting to the answer, you choose not to answer directly, you don't want to answer me.....etc...... Whatever reasons lah, you always have some fucking nonsense to retort back, and then accuse me of trying to pick up a fight.

It's not that I expect you to answer my questions there and then. It's the way you treat me when I did what you did. It's ridiculously different, how you want to be treated and how you treat people. You don't practise what you preach! Bloody hell!!!!!!

Then you expect me to say 'sorry'. When I did, you told me to stop parroting and you don't want to hear any more 'sorry'. So I stopped saying. Then you say I didn't even say sorry when I need to. And if I say 'sorry' again, you said I was so stupid to do what you told me not to do. Get it right, dumbo! Who is it that keeps changing his principles? YOU!!!!! YOU!!!! BLOODY YOU!!!!!

You said your expectations of me aren't high. It's just simply answer your every damn question there and then, short and sweet. I can't rationalize and then give you an answer. I can't ask you some questions and make you answer your own question (hey, that's your favourite way of coping when someone else asked you a question, you admitted this, didn't you?), I can't think aloud, I can't do anything except to answer you. This is treating me as a maid, a subordinate, a lowly servant, a dog, who has no right to say what he/she thinks, and must answer immediately and precisely what you want to know.

Bloody shit, and you don't live by your own stupid principles. If ever the next time I ask you a question, and you didn't give me a direct answer, short and sweet, there and then, I'll see what you'll have to say. But I somehow already expected the answer, just read the above, and you'll know what you'll do. Why not I'll try it, and I'll come back to prove it that you'll do exactly what I had expected you to do.

9 years of trial and error. 9 years of your crap. 9 years of your various reasons to blow up. I can write a book on what your sentences and reactions are. And mind you, left or right, you'll have something to scold and throw a fuss about. No kidding. I swear that I can write all down. You accused me of not doing this. So you scold me about this. And when I do this, you'll accuse me of not doing that, and then you scold me about that. I can list down all the this and that, then you can see for yourself that your BASIC PRINCIPLES and SIMPLE DEMANDS are just so complicated that you won't even understand it yourself.

And then how will you get out of this situation when you are cornered? You'll say every situation is different, and I'll have to learn what situation to do this or do that. But then you'll also say that I keep doing the SAME things in all the situations (hey, you said every situation is different?). And after that when you just can't seem to answer your own questions already, your way of winning is just to declare that you are the king, and you rule your world, and if I have to stay in YOUR world, I'll have to listen to you and abide by your rules. And what's your rule when all fails? The rule is YOU ALWAYS WIN, LEFT OR RIGHT!!!!

You are bersek! I tried to let you win. You asked for this, I gave you this, but you turned around and say you wanted that. Then you asked for that, I gave you that, and you turned around and say you wanted this. And then condemn me for being stupid and do not know how to choose correctly. So how to let you win? You asked for this, then I give you that instead? Then it will still be my fault, cos you asked for this, not that.

Then the more you talk about it, then angrier you get and then for reasons that I also don't know how to describe, you blamed them all on me. No matter what I do, how I answer, how I did the way you said I should, you'll still blow up and say that I did not do what you wanted.

Ha, and you dare tell me a parrot repeats but do not know how to think. Fact is, when the rules says YOU ALWAYS WIN, LEFT OR RIGHT, I don't suppose I need to think. Don't need what, whatever I think doesn't matter. Whatever I do doesn't matter also. Cos you'll always be the one who's right. Why do I want thought process for, when dealing with you? I retaliated and disputed all because I have a thought process and I think it's not right to do it this way. BUT YOU SAID I SHOULD NOT!

See, who's the confused one?

Why isn't he doing something.... ?

Honestly speaking, I don't know why I don't like him not partcipating in the petition against TTD in the NKF issue. I just don't feel that he is living by his principles.

He had complained about his mom, who told him not to say he had witnessed an accident cos it would caused a lot of trouble as he would have to go to the police station. He had said that he should stand up for what's right.

So previously for the accident case, he was still young. But now, he is an adult already. Can't he act upon his belief? Maybe he didn't think TTD/NKF was wrong? Or maybe he thought they have other reasons for doing this kinda outrageous things? But he was complaining and reasoning to me about it.

I will think that by his principles of standing up for what's right, he should sign the petition too, regardless of if he leaves a comment. At least I can see that he really does do something when it's needed. All talk and no say. That's him?

Serenity is precious ...

Post-free days are most likely Serenity Days! I sort of treasure these moments. The feeling is so good to be in love, and in a fight-free love. Maybe this is what has been keeping me with him for so long, even though we quarrel very often over his senseless moods and ridiculous behaviours.

I do admit, it may be my fault at times, but I just don't think it should evolve into a shouting, cursing and belittering sessions that are accessorised by throwing things around or kicking and messing up the place.

He can be a real charmer when he isn't irritating.

He is unrepentent.....

I gave him a chance to speak. He did not take it. Instead, he turn the table around and attempted to make me feel bad!

I didn't use a harsh tone, I used a concerned tone. I told him what I felt was not right. I told him I felt that he did something yesterday afternoon which he didn't want me to know. I asked if it happened. If he had honestly told me that he went out with the G girl but was afraid to tell me, it would have been so much better. I was prepared not to blow a big fuss.

Anyway, why was he apprehensive that I will be angry with him if he meets up with G? Simply because he did something wrong with her. There were so much unhappiness revolving around this girl, which made my heart boil just by thinking about it. It's too tiring to even mention about it. But by trying to push it to the back of my mind, doesn't mean that it will make me feel any better. Especially when it's so obvious that he had some unfaithful history that he had with G, and he just refuse to admit it.

When I asked him about yesterday afternoon, he took to using a harsh tone on me and accused me of not trusting him (I've already told him time and again, that my faith in him is negative, cause he had totally blast it away with the first woman), and angrily asked me why I had married him if I don't trust him. Nevermind, I did not want to kick up a big fuss last night anyway. Once I achieved my aim of hinting him out that I did feel something astray, I just stopped the conversation and treat it as nothing has happened.

When his family vouched on his character that he will quietly take all the scoldings and will really repent once he knows that he is in the wrong, I thought they know best! But apparently not, he doesn't. This was not the first woman that he was involved in. He refused to admit fault on the first woman and refused to even admit that it happened. Now he is just doing the same with the second woman. Steadfastly denying that he had something going on behind my back with G, now he progressed to even keeping me from knowing that she was meeting him.

Hope he gets the hint not to do it again behind my back. It is getting out of hand!

He is such a nagger....

For a guy, HE IS SUCH A NAG!!!!!!! He nags non-stop, nags at anything and everything. And when he starts, he never can and never knows when to stop. Giving advice and stating demands, he is full of it. Watch the weather and watch your words! Know when to stop, when the weather changes!!!! But, he never ever practices what he preach. That is precisely why I can't stand his scoldings. Whatever he scolds others, he does it himself. This kind of person will not gain any respect from anyone anywhere.

He thinks so highly of himself that he criticises everyone else's actions/decisions. But when he himself falls short of it, he shirks it and blame it on someone else for causing him to fault.

If he has not been such a nag, going on and on non-stop, ranting about things, many quarrels will have been prevented. Who can stand such a nagger. I've already apologized, but he still continues to nag for at least 10 sentences. Won't you get frustrated? If I nag at him for more than 5 sentences, he would have blown his top!

A man who do not practise what he preach is such a PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!!!

He is a liar......

I asked him last night if he had lunch appointment, he hesitated and replied 'I'm not sure!' I already sensed that something wasn't right and he was lying.

This afternoon, when preparing to go for lunch, he dressed up, in jeans and T-shirt, telling me that he is without plans, and just wanted to drive around and find a place to work. This is not him....definitely! If he is without plans, he normally is too lazy to go out. Today, he had no plans and yet he planned to take the car out, wearing jeans and t-shirt. I should have guessed! But I closed one eye.

We had a slight tiff after we left the house for lunch. He had actually said, 'Do you know why I want to go out even if I have no plans? It's because I knew that we will quarrel.' Now, come to think of it, it hurts, a million times more! He said he could forsee that we will definitely quarrel that was why he wanted to go out, but the truth is, he is going to meet someone, he had plans. Did he implicitely mean that he is happier off meeting that other woman too?

Now I believe, and all men should believe, that women do have sixth sense. This other woman, I hate her!!!!!!!! This is not the first time he did this to me. I'm not going to let this rest. I'm going to confront him on this. Maybe ask a few questions, to see what lies he has prepared for me!

He is spoilt!

I thought we'll have a good night, after last night's fight. Honest, I was hallucinating......

The night was good, until we sat down at the coffee shop opp our house. He ordered a dish. The order came wrong. The stall owner asked if it's OK (which means she was indicating if he need a change), he hesistated but said he would stick to the wrong order.

Then after the owner walked away, hell broke loose. He started flicking the pork (he ordered fish) onto the table. By flicking, it means the whole table became a mess. Pork slices flew all the way across to the opp side of the table, even some onto the floor. I tried to calm him down. He kept sulking. I grew irritated by his 'unclass' way of showing displeasure, so I kept quiet after that. Anyway, I didn't know what to say anymore. He would surely start picking on me, maybe my english, my story, my phrasing, watever. He kept quiet too...and I thought that was the end. I'll still tolerate the messy unsightly table with the pork slices all around.

After finishing his dinner, he pushed the chopsticks onto the table. I really snapped. I said 'Oi'! And because of this, the target became me instead. He then left the table angrily, leaving me behind and others beside staring awkwardly at me. As if we were quarrelling, and I had made him angry that's why he threw the chopsticks.

DUH !!!!!! He acted totally like a spoilt child. It thought he had strong principles. He said to me that if I said OK to something, and rejected a solution, then jolly well stick to it and stop complaining. So he agreed not to change the wrong order, although unwillingly. What grounds did he have to start messing up the table. Anyway, who's gonna clean the table? The stall owner? No, some other pitiful person. What does he gain from doing that? Nothing. What was lost? Everything. His face, his temper, my face, my temper, my peace, etc.....

Anyway, it's so really low class to show your displeasure like this. So what if the other party was wrong in the first place. You aren't any better off. In soccer, a player fouls another, but if the other player retaliated, he is given a yellow card as well, maybe even red. He knows this theory all too well. Maybe it's easy to talk big, but he just doesn't have it to live big! I choose to show displeasure in other ways. If it's me who got the wrong order, I'll probably line/stack the pork slices up. The stall owner will get the message that I do not like pork and I mean it. I don't think this will create such a mess like he did, and even stares of awkwardness, like he did.

So, just because he got a wrong order, he accepted, but was not ready to forgive, I became the punching bag. He scolded me all the way up. There goes a peaceful night (it had never been fated to be so...maybe)!!!!

He is mad!!!!!

He is mad! How do you describe someone like him other than mad! He forces his ways on me. He wants me to be obedient, to listen to him, to do whatever he wants and likes. To say the things he wants to hear, to act like what he wants, etc.... He dare say that if I do not want to be treated like a dog, I have to earn it. Hmmm.....Read again, buddies! If I follow all his demands above, aren't I no more than a dog? So what's the point of being a dog to him to earn the right not to be treated like a dog!!!

Then he says my attitude is bad. How worse can my attitude get when he was the first to turn on a stern tone and start nagging at me non-stop over little things? And he says I always think that the little things are little, that's why I never improve. Ok, maybe I should take every thing more seriously. Maybe I should just pick on his lack of discipline to sleeping late and eating healthy, as much as picking on my forgetfulness to take my daily dosage of supplements.

And at the end of the day, he will tell me to find a solution, to eat my anger and give in to him more often so that we will not get into fights. I gave a solution, I said let's stop harping on this topic for the night becos we were getting no where, we were both frustrated. He said 'OK!' I repeat..... he said 'OK!'. And immediately following the 'OK!' is another paragraph of naggings of what I had done wrong to lead us to this state. So the 'OK!' is for?

After another 3 mins of naggings, he asked me 'sincerely' why did we end up like that. I said bcos both of us refuse to admit defeat. So he asked me how should we go forward. I said whatever he said he did not like of me, I'll change. And whatever I said I did not like of him, he change. Then guess what's his next sentence. 'I know I have a bad temper. AND I WILL NOT CHANGE, UNLESS I'M DEAD. THEN WILL YOU GET THE BETTER OF ME!' Cool, fancy showing 'sincerity' to change for the better for the sake of our relationship.

As he nags, he got angrier. And the angrier he got, the more he nags. In no time, he turned himself into a time bomb, ready to explode anytime. And of course, all the blame was put on me. I was drained. Mentally drained. I offered solution, it didn't work. I gave an answer to his question, he took it as an excuse to blow up. Upon reaching home, I just close the bedroom door hoping to get some privacy. And gee wee, who could burst through the door but him, making sure my life is more miserable than before. I'm not supposed to sulk, not supposed to be angry, not supposed to frown. I was really fuming mad. I was already throwing the keys and beating the mattress and screaming, and what did he do? He ordered me to not even heath a breathe and answer his stupid questions 'normally', if not.......I'll have to leave his house!!! HIS HOUSE! GOD DAMN!!!! I can't even let loose some steam. He doesn't even allow me time to breathe.

On one hand, he says he wants to improve our relationship, one the other hand, he refuses to budge even a little and give me some leeway to sulk. Great! What a great effort by him to solve things.

Conclusion : HE IS MAD!!!!!!