He apologised but will he change . . . ?

This afternoon he sms me a 'sorry'. I replied asking him what about.

He replied again, telling me he is sorry for his outburst last night.

I gave him a 7 sms-long reply.

'OK, I'm sorry too. Jus to tell u how I feel. Everytime u hurt me & apologize, it heals 90%, the remaining 10% I hv to do it myself w time. B4 it's healed, u hurt me & apologize agn, n I hv 20% to wk on, 10% each time. Healing time can't outdo the freq of hurts, n it accumulates. I wish for us to talk in a nice tone always, even when I'm angry, I try to sound nice & dun use hurtful words that I dun mean, cos it's easier to hurt then to heal. Easier to end a bad moment w niceties then to make the moment into a few hrs of fight n recover fr a huge quarrel. Easier to forget wat we quarrel abt then the feelings we left behind. Hope to rem the feeling of both of us making effort to maintain peace & keeping matters small, rather than rem the fight. U kept ur temper & the matter small during our 1st cruise, I can't rem the matter, it wasn't a simple miscomm or misunderstanding, but I'll always rem how much effort u put in to keep peace. It made me feel loved & I felt so sorry for u tat I wan to cry & hug u. Ur silence & patience won my heart.'

Indeed, I've forgotten what the matter was about that I felt so bad about doing. And he even forgot about what happened on that cruise. But the feeling that he had tried so very hard to keep peace lingered on for years until now. This is the feeling I'm talking about. If I have a chance, I'll ask him if he could remember the last time I initiated and scolded him and whatever the matter was about. Bet he could't remember. I myself had forgotten. Then I can show him that the general feeling of being with me is that I do not scold him much. I can then ask him to tell me what was the general feeling of him being with me, did he scold me very often. His answer is probably yes, he reminded me that he had scolded me 3 days of the 4 after he has been back from his dive trip. I can then check with him what the matter was that made him scold him. I bet he couldn't remember it at his finger tips. If so, it meant that the matter was quite minor to him and me, that was the reason that we couldn't remember what it was about. But what do we remember? We remember that we quarrelled, or that he scolded me on many a times.

This is it. Simply put, small matters that he wouldn't even remember and that didn't hurt his life nor others one bit is not worth going through such a harsh scolding where bad memories are etched so deeply in our minds forever. For that small matter that nobody remembers, he had made it so big that it created a large hole in our relationship which could be scarred forever!

He only has niceties for anybody else except me . . . !

Nagging is his hobby! Last night, he finally went to take a look at our web album where I had uploaded our photos of the US trip. He didn't want some photos to be up there, so he told me to take down 3 photos. I immediately logged in to delete them. Half way through, he pointed out another 2. So I did it all at once, and I told him I had deleted them. I asked him if there were other photos that he didn't like. After a while, he said he wanted another few photos down and some other photos up, then he started nagging and nagging about why some photos that he felt was unflatterring up there. I went to take a look, some photos that he was skeptical about, was OK! He was just being oversensitive about his tummy in this particular t-shirt. I'm perfectly fine if he didn't want them uploaded. So I continued to delete what he told me to. But then, he started to scold. He kept telling me that i did not listen to what he said and that he didn't want those few photos loaded up. I got irritated when he wouldn't stop nagging after I had deleted the photos. I told him to just tell me which photos he didn't want, and that was enough, he didn't need to nag and nag.

Not surprisingly, he blew up. He accused me of not acting on his instructions of deleting the few photos. I told him I had deleted them. He then accused me of not telling him that I had deleted them. I told him I did tell him, but if he didn't refresh his page after I had deleted, of course the photos will still be on his monitor screen. So finally, he started accusing me of not telling him to refresh the page. DARN!!!! ARE YOU SUCH AN IT IDIOT???? DON"T YOU KNOW THAT YOU NEED TO REFRESH THE PAGE TO VIEW THE CHANGES???? Good grief, you are someone who knows how to use the net, knows how to fix a pc, knows how to troubleshoot pc problems. Don't tell me you need someone to tell you that you need to refresh the page to see changes done to the URL!!?!??!?!!?

Ridiculous, he is just finding some stupid reason to scold. As the chinese saying goes 'when you set your mind on accusing someone, it's not difficult to find excuses to say'. So after he realised I did what he wanted, he found another excuse to scold me, for not telling him that I had deleted. After he found out that I had told him what I had done, he found another excuse to scold me for not telling him to refresh his page. If he has amnesia or has alzheimer's disease, i'll gladly forgive him. But hey dude, you are a young chap in your 30s who is IT savvy enough not to need me to teach you about refreshing your page to reflect the changes. What happend? Some worms ate your brain?!?!!?

Just for that, he scolded me non-stop, about my attitude (check yourself, ego!), about my behaviour, about my way of doing things and what nots! He even threw an empty bottle onto my table and hit my pc. I was fuming mad inside. He had promised not to throw anything. Yet, this is the second time he did it after he made that promise. What a man of his words!

Finally, he decided to sleep it off, he went to the bedroom and ordered me to follow. I walked in and stood by the bed. He started to nag again. I just stood there and said my sorrys, although of course unwillingly, but just to please him and not to make the matter worse. But that didn't make things better. He had a solid track record of getting out of control with his own naggings (as you should have gathered from my past postings). He slowly packed his magazines off the BED (read, he had his magazines on the BED), mumbling at the same time that it was useless of me tidying up the house and buying his favourite magazines for him (great, what a way to be grateful), what he needed was just for me to keep quiet. After packing up his stuff from the bed, he saw my phone on the same bed as well. He deliberately flipped up the blanket and caused my phone to fly to the floor and scattered into parts. Luckily it was not my daily phone that I carry around. I kept my temper. Yea, he did not throw my phone, but that didn't mean he has the right to flip anything or kick or punch or break anything when he was in a bad mood. He blamed me for putting my phone on the bed, saying I should have known better. Oh well, you can put your magazines, newspaper, books, phone, whatever, on the bed. But I could not. What a tyrant! He ordered me to pick up my phone parts and fix it back. I swallowed hard and tried to piece it back, I couldn't find the body of the phone and got really mad. I roughly shoved the bed around to look for it. Hurt his foot/feet while doing that? I didn't care. Anyway, he didn't scream in pain, it was probably not serious. I even pulled up the mattress to search, throwing it left and right. It was then he stopped his shouting, he just used a firm tone to tell me to stop. (I realised that when I was super mad and started doing crazy things, he no longer shouts.)

After much struggle, he finally got into bed and ordered me to take a nap with him. He said that we will take a 20min break and talk later. Immediately after he said that sentence, he started nagging again. I reminded him that he had said to take a 20min break. He said OK! The moment I lay down, he started his nagging AGAIN!!!! I sat up again and stared at him, showing him the 'you-are-ridiculous' face, and reminded him again what he had just said 1 second ago. He finally stopped. I lay beside him, and tears just rolled down. I didn't sleep at all.

I've married a nutcase!

After 5 days of absence, the moment of reuniting was none any sweeter . . .!

He wasn't in town for half of Monday and Saturday, and the whole of Tuesday to Friday. During which, I shopped non-stop, for my things, for his things, for our things. I packed the house, packed his table, washed and iron the clothes, bought his favourite magazines and lay it on his bed, just to give him a little surprise to celebrate his home-coming. Love was in the air when I went to fetch him from the airport. Nonetheless, we kept our hugs & kisses to ourselves as we had a friend with us.

But from the first moment we were alone (after we sent our friend home), I got a rude, unreasonable, and harsh scolding from him. What for? Just because he had suggested to leave our car boot as it was (with all the bags and dive gear and wine lying around) until when we met his family and they need to use it. I had wanted to try to arrange it, but on second thought when I analysed the situation, I thought his idea was wiser. So I agreed with him to arrange later. This is it!!!!!!

War (or rather scoldings and naggings) started!!!! He scolded me for not obeying his orders. He was always right and when he said to meet up with his family before arranging the boot, I should just listen to what he said and not have second thoughts.

I was bizarred!!!!! Tears rolled in my eyes!

For 5 days, when he was away, he said he missed me and I had missed him! But on coming back, the first private moment we had, he had already started scolding me. What a good reunion!

Hey, I only wasted maybe 2 seconds of the time having second thoughts and concluding that his suggestion is better. Did it kill anyone? Did it waste his afternoon away? Did I insist on my way when he was right?

What did I do to deserve such treatment? Absence made the heart grow founder but it didn't made the reunion sweeter. It wasn't sweet at all. It just reminded me that on our wedding day, after he successfully cleared the duties at the door and fetched me home, the first private moment we had in our wedding car, I got a harsh attitude from him because he wasn't happy with my sisters for delaying the time. So? Who was supposed to keep track of time? Who was supposed to raise the red light? HIS BROTHERS!!!!! I wasn't angry at nobody, it was supposed to be a day of joy! But holy cow, the first remark I got from him when we were finally alone wasn't a kiss or a hug or a whisper of love. It was a rude scolding. Great, enough to spoil my big day (and my whole life)!

Does he need to spoil every of our first private moment together? Seem to me that private moments together are not for some lovey-dovey affair, it's just a chance for him to scold me and kick up a fuss. What a great way to get-together after 5 days apart!

He can make mistake, not anybody else, at least not me . . . !

Some double standard fellow who doesn't have the integrity to admit his own mistakes, he just channel all his energy to divert attention to others' mistakes.

The night before he leave for his dive trip, we came back from having dinner with my parents. He stepped in, saw the Usana box, and started rattling off about me not finding time to fill it up at his parents' place. (Why wasn't I able to find time to go back? Cos he was too tired and rejected the offer to go back on Friday night, then we went out to have dinner with his family, after which we drove all the way to Pasir Ris to have tea at his request, and then we were too tired and went home. So this is why we didn't have time. And he jolly well knew it. Anyway, didn't he forget too?) I suggested to go to his parents' place then, he said it was too late and told me to do it the next day. Fine, since you've said it, I'll just follow your 'instructions' or 'order' or whatever name you like to give your words. (Some egoistic fellow doing his rounds!)

He was emptying his pockets when he realised that he had lost a camera battery. He suspected it dropped in the car. Frustrated, he said to go to the car then, looked for the battery, and carry on back to his parents' place to get some Usana.

From that moment on, he kept on nagging about me not having initiative, not following orders, didn't learn a thing since 10 years ago, etc etc. . . He nagged NON-STOP, probably just so that I did not have any slightest chance to nag at him about his carelessness and constant forgetfulness of leaving things in the car. When he starts, he couldn't stop (this is called out of control!). He nagged all the way, it was so serious he had to stop and talk to me in the middle of the road, a few times on our way to his parents' place. (First, he said it was too late to go back, second he suggested after 2mins of his first comment, to go back, third, he dragged his feet and wasted time with his naggings that were way too out of proportion against the matter that happened. What kinda logic goes on in his brain!)

He nagged and nagged right until the door step of his parents' place. Even when the door was already ajar and his parents sitting jus behind the door, he was still showing me a grouchy face and demanding me to apologize. I deliberately gave a very loud 'sorry' to him. We went into the house, I did my round of respect, greeted them, went straight to the table, grapped the 'sacred' Usana and told him to leave.

Honestly, with the loud 'sorry', his mom had sensed something was not right. You could see the look on her face when we stepped in. Nonetheless, I went further to let her know that something was wrong (with his son!). She noticed that we just came back for the Usana and asked us why we were back so late just for a box of Usana, which we could collect the next day. I answered 'Usana is very important. Cannot live without it. It's very important!' With my answer, it confirmed her suspicion that something was indeed amiss. When he stepped out of the house, with his back towards us, his mum made faces to me, asking me was anything wrong. I made a face back, showing her indeed he was at his temper again. Ha, I got what I want, his mum knew my plight!

After we left the house, on our way down, he bellowed at me for showing disrespect to his parents. (Idiot, are you in line with what's going on? I did not show disrespect to your parents. I greeted them. What I had done was to hint to his mum what went on and she had received my message. That was it!) He accused me of being rude and caused alarm to his mum. Hey handsome, even before we stepped into the house, your mum had already heard the loud 'sorry' you made me say to you and she had already knew something was wrong. She was alarmed, yes, by you, for coming back so late just to get your treasured Usana, and for throwing a temper at your wife for such small matters. Please, why can't you get things right? I'm more in tune with your mom's frequency then you. Asshole!

On the way back (in fact, during the 2 days), he stressed again that I had promised to pack his bag for him. His tone made it such that I was trying to escape from my promise and he was holding me to my word! Goodness gracious, I had never ever try to escape from it, and I had never ever hinted that I didn't want to do it. And I told him so! I told him to stop giving me the tone like I had said something to the effect of me not going to pack his bag. How much effort do you need to pack a bag for a 5 days dive trip? Not much for me, if it takes 3 hours for you that's why you were worrying about it as it was already nearly 12 midnite, wake up, I'm not you!

Yea, I packed your back, in 20-30 mins, after you gave me a good scolding! Bet you didn't treasure me or appreciate at all. You jerk!

That quick tempered bastard . . . !

Before we went to US, I purposely told him which trip was my best and most memorable trip with him. It was the short cruise we went. Reason was cause he did not scold me at all throughout the whole trip, although I had remembered to have done something wrong (not those small silly miscommunication thingy that I hadn't expect him to flare up, it was something that was really my mistake and I really had expected him to scold me). I saw him dug up all his patience to drown his anger so that he would not spoil the sacred few days that we were out of town together. He promised to be good on our trip to the US.

Ha! Who might have guess, a couple of days into the trip, he already started his naggings. I can't remember what it was about, except the last one at Universal Studios. To keep his hands free, I kept all that needed to be carried in my sling bag that I carried. But when he needed the camera suddenly, I struggled a bit to pull out the camera. Just because of this, I got a good scolding from him. He told me not to put everything into my bag!

DUH! I snapped at him. If the bag is not used to put things, then what's the bag for!!!! Then I started ignoring him. He apologized after a while during the next show. So as not to make matter worse, I accepted it and did not say much anymore. I really wonder why he can't be like this. When he has the right (or if he thinks he is right), he blabbered non-stop, even if I apologized or answered his questions his way. Whatever chance he could squeeze out, he just continued scolding and scolding, he never ever thought about just saving his breadth and make big matter small. Anyway, it was a small matter, no point making it bigger and ruin the day.

He would never understand this!