He is a damn f***ing hypocrite . . .

Who scolded me and made me promised to leave a healthy lifestyle with him? Who said we should stop smoking? Who said we should cut down on drinking? Who said we should keep a healthy lifestyle? Take our daily dosage of Usana supplements? Do regular jogs?

And then who is the one who always look for people for a stick or two? Who is the one who goes drinking every night for the past few days? He can't keep his drinking stint from me. But he is keeping his smoking habit from me. A stick or two, it doesn't matter. But he had PROMISED to stop. He had MADE ME PROMISE to stop. But in fact, HE IS SMOKING EVERY OTHER DAY!!! What does this amount to? Lying!

Worse, he was the one who said we should stop smoking. He was the one who did not keep to his words. He was the one to keep mentioning about smoking a stick or two together to relieve stress. He was the one who smoke behind my back. And he was also the one who keep scolding me about not keeping a healthy lifestyle.

A bloody liar!!!!!!

The hurt as been done . . .

He apologized shortly after he stepped out of the house, via sms. Should I give him credit for this? It was really tough going through all his tauntings and shoutings and accusings. You would have asked me to just bear with it for a while, and things would be over soon. I tried, but how do you enstrange yourself from the pricky, false and intentional pokes that he hurl at you every other hour?

I'm human, and human enough to get affected by his ever changing mood. But he insist that I'm not acting like a human, and so am only entitled to be treated like a dog. The more he tells me to shut up when he says shut up, and stand there when he says stand there, smile when he says smile, look at him when he says look at him, the more I feel that he is crazy to call this obedience acting like a human. When it's obviously stupid accusations, don't you have the urge to point out his stupidity?

And after his repeated mistake, I just can't take the skip and offer him an insight to the real meaning of behaving like a dog. To which, he changed his view and says 'Oh then, since you can't behave like a smart woman, then I'll treat you like a dog.' And what did he mean by that? Smart woman means to talk and do the necessary when it's necessary.

He is probably asking for a BITCH then, a woman who behaves like a dog which he thinks is smart. To do whatever he says when he is angry, to not rebut when wrongly accused, to keep quiet when scolded, who still can afford a natural smile when belittled, who takes all these nonsense in like it's part of life and embrace it with tender loving care.

I feel like walking out. Have a few days off on my own. Refind myself, refind my soul!!! But what would I face if I have done that? I'll come back to a husband who had given the excuse to seek another woman's arms cos I was not around when he needs me.

Do you think I'm stupid? I think I am. When he is with me, he scolds me, calls me worthless and takes me for granted. And when he tells me he loves me, at the same time, he can date other girls behind my back, flirt with them and treat them like they are queens. Whenever he says he is so glad to be with me, I feel the flinch in me, curbing the urge to tell him to rethink and rethink before saying this to me. Whenever he tells me why he feels so comfortable with me and love it when we share so many values and hobbies in common, I feel myself eating back my tears, knowing full well that he probably was enjoying himself as much dating that G behind my back, saying how beautiful she is, guessing what she is wearing, maybe even to the extreme of touching her, holding her, feeling her panties....!!!!!!!

When he is in a good mood, every love story that he breathes to me brings me pain!
When he is in a bad mood, every swearings and scoldings brings me hurt!

What am I doing with him.....!??!?!?!?!?!

He's a BLOODY GOOD FOR NOTHING . . .

He asked me to help him with something, I helped, successfully helped. But he simply got angry over some stupid issue and in the end, threw a big tantrum. He got angry and reacted rashly first, without even me rebutting him (cos I was on the phone talking to someone for him).

Everytime I help him with this calling, he has to find something to scold me about. Can't he just stop criticising and pinpointing people? His whole family complains that he does this. He can tell his mom to cook for him, and when his mom did, he will complain about this dish, about that dish. He can tell his sister to do things for him, and in the end will pick on this and that. He is doing the same to me. He asked me for help, but he complains about everthing, even though I had successfully fulfilled my mission. Why does he have to complain? Does he have to comment about everything little thing?

Then I got irritated. And of course, he is the king and he has every right to be angry at me, but I have no right to get irritated, get frustrated, get irked by him. So he took his imaginary rights and scolded me upside down ------ on my attitude again. Goodness, look at yourself first. Did you show a good attitude to someone who had helped you achieved what you could not achieved? You didn't even say a thank you, and before you even show a breath of gratitude, you complain about what I had done. If you demand that I give before I take, I honestly live by your principles too. I'll see that you give before you take too!!!!

So we end up throwing tantrums, him throwing some stupid rod around the house, screamed at the top of his voice, ordering me about as he wish, trapping me by asking me to say how I feel, and in the end find more excuses to pin me down again.

I offered a solution to him, like what he had asked me to. He agreed to try. But easily within the next few sentences, he threw a counter solution back at me. And simply told me that I'll get my solution when I go by his solution first. Didn't he agree to try mine? Within a few sentences, he had gone back on his word!!!

Everything that I do must revolve around you. When you were not feeling good, I have to give in to you and your scoldings, pamper you, take care of you, etc... But what about me? When I'm not feeling good, I still have to obey by your standards (of not raising my voice, of not rebutting you, of not giving stupid excuses, of not showing attitude). I have no me! Am I to loose myself once I am with you? I have to be moodless, I have to stop loving myself, I have to give in to you. 100%...?

You are such a selfish brat!!!

Again . . .less than 24 hrs later . . .

Are you out to prove that I was really disillussioned last night? In less than 24 hours after you promised to change, you were at it again!!!!

I threw in the laundry and washed in the morning, after which I went back to work and was head over heels in it till lunch time. And I went for lunch, forgetting that I had not hang out the laundry to dry.

You asked me if I had hanged out the laundry. My reply was 'no'. And immediately you gave me the 'ready to fight' face and started your naggings on why I was always so forgetful. Your face irritated me, it's just the laundry, nobody is going to get killed. Why do you need to show the face to me? I was irritated. And your naggings, can you just stop it? You are more naggy than a woman. Half way through your naggins, I stopped you, and told you I was busy all morning with my work and had forgotten to hang the laundry.

Then, you just blew up! (What's new!) You started scolding me for never offerring solutions, that I always give excuses to cover my wrongs. And always doing something that you had told me not to do. You raised your voice and shouted at me. Blaming me for all the god damn things you accused me of.

You said I didn't fulfill whatever I had promised last night (did you?). What did I tell you last night? I said I couldn't stand it when you raised your voice to almost every trivial matter, which is what exactly will threw me off. So when you gave me that 'ready to fight' face once you heard that I had not taken out the laundry, I was so damn disgusted I couldn't bother to talk nicely to you. You didn't fulfill your promise, and yet you blamed me for starting it?

You had just apologized to me. But so what? The scoldings were already said, hurt was already done. Yes, it was my fault for giving you a hard tone when I told you I was working, that's why I had forgotten the laundry. But I was really irritated by your insensitivity when you start nagging at the very second you knew that the laundry wasn't taken care of yet.

Now you were telling me bringing out the laundry is only a few small matter, so why did you start nagging the very second you knew that it had not been brought out? You said I was trying to find excuses for not doing something and not bothering to give a solution. I was not trying to find an excuse, I was merely agitated by your lack of sensitivity and your 'fuck-up' face. Tell me how do you expect me to give a solution in the first instance? You would never have given me time to finish my sentence (just like what had happened just now), when will I ever have a chance to tell you a solution?

The next time issues like this crop up, I'm gonna make sure you have a solution the first instance I point it out. And you better put your solution at the begining of the sentence, cos that's your standard you had set for me. You better keep to it!!!!!

He never ever humbly listen when his mistakes are pointed out . . .

He is the only one who can lecture people, point out other's mistakes, and the receiving party should never ever talk back, give reasons for his/her actions, explain things (even if you have a whole load of reasonable reasons, please don't ever say it out, cause it will be seen as rebutting & giving excuses), etc. . .

But when I point out his mistakes, he simply blow up and try to find any stupid things he can think of to scold me about.

I was only answering his question of where I was uncomfortable when we went jogging last night. That led to (and it always led to) him complaining on my lack of exercise. Seriously, how often I exercised, is how often he exercised. Whenever he went jogging, I went along. So if I lacked exercise, so does he. Anyway, it's quite an outright display of unconcern. Whenever I don't feel right, it must be, has to be, and is due to my lack of exercise. He was writing off our Sunday tennis session as being useless. And I told him that's partly because he wasn't putting his heart in it. The previous Sunday session, he was just standing there, occassionally picking up a few balls to hit over, occassionally giving it a run for the balls that I hit over. The rest of the time, I was doing the running and the picking of balls.

This struck him right on the chord, I bet. Cos he turned around and started scolding me for telling lies and trying to put him down to cover myself. He carried on and on, nagging and nagging non stop. I wanted to get him off my back, so I just said 'Sorry' & 'OK' to all his ridiculous accusations and questions. But he never ever intended to get to the end. Instead, he continued to accused me of not giving a good attitude.

I was so annoyed that I scolded him back. I kept apologizing to him just now, he refused to take it and stop the naggings, until I just couldn't stand his naggings, and then, he blamed me for not showing a good attitude. I made him realised that I didn't talk back at all, I was just apologizing and saying 'OK'. But he continued with his scoldings. He realised. So he changed his accusations, from me not showing a good attitude, to me not saying 'Sorry' & 'OK' in a good tone. I was so fed up with him I quarrelled without holding back.

We quarrelled all the way home. When he felt like it, he stopped in the middle of the pavement and scolded me. But when I initiated a stop, he wouldn't hear of it and condemned me of being stupid to stop in the middle of the pavement to quarrel. He said he is king and he rules our world. I better listen to him. If he wants to stop, we stop, regardless of where we are and if it's convenient or not. But if he wants to go, even if I demand to stop, he would not do it.

He kept blaming me for not offerring him help when he is on the verge of blowing up. I told him through the week, many a times, I did helped him and stopped any of his quick temper in hitting up to a full blast. Believe it or not, he actually had the cheek to tell me he doesn't remember he had blew up recently, so I didn't need to do my job. GOOD GRIEF!!!!! My contact lenses nearly dropped out of my eyes. Hey, dude! YOU DIDN'T WENT INTO A FULL RAGE RECENTLY IS AN OBVIOUS AND OUTRIGHT ENVIDENCE OF ME EFFECTIVELY HELPING YOU TO CURB IT! Did you think you really didn't scold me for the past week? That is impossible. You scold me every other day, if not every other hour. I had managed to contain your anger for the past few rounds. And you dare say I did not have a chance to do my job. You had credited the past week of peace to yourself, and nothing to me, when actually, you had never stopped scolding me, just that I had not let it go out of hand.

This is so ridiculous!!!!!

I told him no matter how many times I helped him, he didn't remember, and he was not grateful. And most importantly, he forget all about what happened. But not me! I was hurt, I was the one who swallowed hard, I was the one with the coped up frustration. How many more times can I help you without becoming a time bomb myself? And when after several times of success, I had already become highly stressed, with no where to let steam (I was to help you, what could I do with my anger except to eat it in). So finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't even help myself, much more then helping you, I snapped! And what do I get? Accusations of me not helping you, but worsening things instead.

You probably should see the light now. Helping you by giving in to you and containing your anger is not the way to cure you. Because you are not aware of it at all. And you never even make an effort to stop your irritating naggings and demands. This is not curing, this is just fire fighting. And the fire will never stop. Cos you are not consciously putting in effort to stop it. You are just depending all on me to fight the fire whenever it comes.

After a long while, we talked and you promised to change your ways, I successfully deluded myself that you are ready to change.